People Give Advice About Things: 70 WAYS TO ENJOY BIG EVENTS

(for introverts and others so [dis]inclined)

Are you, like me, an introvert who wants to go do things? You know, conventions, book release parties, all those other things out in the “real world” where the sun and the trees and the other people live? Sometimes my wish to go do things and my wish to not be miserable conflict. I know I’m not alone, so here is a list of suggestions for enjoying events as an introvert. (Although I use simplified introvert/extrovert language here and write from an introvert’s perspective, I hope some of the ideas will also be useful to people with sensory issues or other reasons for not loving crowded, noisy, public events. No exclusion or stereotyping is intended.)

Some of these tips require money, time, friend networks, and other things you (and I) might not have at the moment. It’s OK if a tip won’t work for you right now. Just look for 1 or 2 that will work. Maybe later, a different tip will work. I debated for a long time about whether to put the “throw money at the problem” items on here, but in my experience, sometimes we need a nudge to spend the money on ourselves even if we do have it.

Brought to you by: missing out on Pride for the 15th time. 

1. Instead of attending a big public event, have a party/dinner/snackypotluck with people you know on familiar territory (your home, a favorite park, etc.).
2. Before attending a big event, post on their FB group or using their hashtag and ask people to tell you what to expect.
3. Before attending a big event, post on their FB group or using their hashtag and ask people to tell you where some chill spots are.
4. Some places have indoor street view, so you can check out the interior of a store, museum, etc. before you go.
5. Call (or have someone call) to ask for accommodations or suggestions, politely. For example, apparently it’s OK to ask theaters if they have a quiet area in which you can wait before a performance.
6. Tell a more outgoing friend what you need in terms of support. Ask them to help you. Be specific. (For example: ‘I need you to invite me to events and tell me what they’re like, but also to be OK with it if I decide not to go. It doesn’t mean I won’t want to go next time or that I don’t like you.’)
7. Go to popular places in the off season or on off days (e.g. “When to Visit the Museum of Natural History“).
8. Go to less popular places in high season or on busy days (for example, Mt. Lassen National Park in the US has about 1/10 the visitors of Yosemite in the summer, and Itsukushima is much less crowded when it rains).
9. Re. the above: You can google a destination + high season or low season to get more information, and most travel websites frequently publish articles about good places to go during low season.
10. Arrive early or late for lunch or dinner at restaurants—be sure you know what “early” and “late” mean locally.
11. Buddy system: connect with either a differently introverted person or a more extroverted person.
12. Or the opposite: if you want to meet more new people and you know you’ll cling to your friend/spouse/whoever, leave them at home or plan to do some activities separately.
13. Make an escape plan if you determine that you’re stressed or not enjoying yourself, and make sure any companions know about it.
14. Make a back-up plan if something doesn’t work out: a second restaurant, a different park, etc.
15. Try to plan for other needs that might make it harder to enjoy yourself. For example, carry a bag of nuts if you get stressed when you’re hungry.
16. Determine in advance when you can throw money at a situation to make it better.
17. — Reserve a less-crowded train car or flight
18. —  Book a more expensive hotel to avoid vacationing families
19. —  Hire a car instead of taking a bus
20. —  Get the on-site hotel room
21. —  Go off-site for a good meal
22. —  Have food delivered to your room
23. —  Make a reservation at a restaurant or get a hotel room for watching big events like parades without being on the ground
24. —  Get a room to yourself (practice how to kindly decline people who want to be roommates)
25. —  Get a room with a fridge and a microwave
26. —  Reserve a suite so that you can invite a few people up to play games, hang out, etc.
27. —  Pad a trip to an event by a couple of days on either side so that you can decompress, explore the area, get out into nature, meet one-on-one with friends, or whatever revives you
28. — Take a day off work before and/or after a big event
29. Arrange an escape signal with a companion.
30. Set time or other limits in advance.
31. Buy earplugs (cheap foam ones or fancy sound-preserving ones) and/or headphones.
32. If you have to take a break at an event and can’t get away, use signals to tell people you don’t want to be bothered: headphones, eye mask, book, facing away from others.
33. If an event has an “$Event for Newbies” session, go to it.
34. Tell your companions what to watch for, if you tend to get distressed without realizing it, and how they can help you in that situation.
35. Have something to do if you start to feel lonely and awkward: take photos, sketch, write impressions in a journal, ask to help out in the kitchen.
36. Make plans to have migraine medication etc. on hand. If you use anything to modulate your mood (whether it’s coffee or alcohol), be sure you’re doing it reasonably and safely. If you think you’d have to use an unsafe amount of anything to enjoy an event, opt out and do something else.
37. Plan for down/alone time. If you’re with a group, just let people know this helps you enjoy the event.
38. Realize that it’s OK to choose your seat based on whether you can get up and leave easily or whatever else makes you comfortable.
39. If you’re trying to branch out, set reasonable, attainable goals for yourself. “Be social” is too vague and huge for me; “have one satisfying conversation with a new person” is perfect.
40. Use social media to connect with other attendees in advance. Make plans for something simple like coffee or attending the same panel.
41. If you want to talk to people: Bring something that can serve as a conversation starter, whether it’s ribbons at a convention or a box of imported sweets or an interesting t-shirt or a costume. (Seriously, that’s why lots of introverts cosplay!)
42. Offer to buy other people a drink.
43. Ask your more connected friends to introduce you to people at an event—and to add some interesting information when they do so that you and the other person have something to talk about.
44. Remember that while one category (e.g. “concerts”) might be hard for you, there may be individual subcategories that are easier for you. Ask around and get suggestions—in this case, for venues (I can handle certain outdoor concerts and mellow pub performances) or artists (some groups are just way quieter than others).
45. It’s OK to say “Let me get back to you” in response to an invitation.
46. It’s OK to say “No, that’s not possible.”
47. Reassure your extroverted friends when you turn down an invitation so that they don’t take it as a personal rejection (I learned this the hard way…).
48. Suggest an alternative activity on another day if you’re invited to something you know you can’t do. (If you have trouble on the spot, make a list.)
49. Make notes on things/places/times/events that do work for you.
50. Use sources like the “room tips” at TripAdvisor to find quiet hotel rooms.
51. Use sources like SeatGuru to find good airplane seats.
52. Wear something that makes you comfortable to events.
53. Skip the crowded after-party and invite selected people to join you at a quieter bar/cafe/diner/hotel room/whatever.
54. Join big events as a volunteer or participant so that you have something specific to do and an automatic network.
55. Leave when you are ready to leave. Don’t force yourself to stay anywhere.
56. Know how you are going to safely leave an event in advance.
57. If you’re serving in a public-facing position (presenter, greeter, job-seeker, etc.), in costume, etc., take on a role for the day. Pretend to be a specific person or character who would be totally confident in that situation.
58. Go to a smaller event; e.g., attend the regional conference instead of the international one.
59. More specifically: identify what it is that appeals to you about an event that’s too big and look for a smaller/shorter/quieter event with the same features. For example, if what you love about a science fiction convention is the author events, try going to events in local bookstores instead.
60. If you want to talk to people, ask good questions and listen to them, or start with a compliment and follow with a question if they react positively.
61. Start your own event. (There’s just something about being staff!)
62. Give yourself permission to not attend everything at an event. If you’re at a conference, maybe you want to spend a couple hours preparing, reviewing notes, or just checking Facebook. It’s OK.
63. Manage your time and think ahead. Make a chart or use an app if you have to! I love the intense after-hours conversations at academic conferences, but not if I’m scheduled and busy right up until they start.
64. Give positive feedback to events that offer quiet rooms, reasonable sound levels, “what to expect” pages, etc. Give helpful, supportive suggestions to events that don’t.
65. Become known for something (like always bringing cookies). This gives you a role to fulfill.
66. Think about how you will feel tomorrow, a month, and a year from now if you do or don’t do whatever you’re considering. At a 3-day convention, will you feel better Sunday if you skip Saturday night’s events? Will you even remember what you skipped a year from now? If it’s “yes” and “no,” then skip it. Will you be genuinely disappointed forever if you don’t go? Then try to find a way to make it happen.
67. Check out previous events: Instagram, Youtube, Twitter hashtags, FAQs, tumblr posts—but see below.
68. Know what kind of information about an event helps you, and what kind puts you off. If I’d been aware of how many people attend New Year’s events at Fushimi Inari shrine in Japan, I wouldn’t have gone—but I had a wonderful time. So me? I don’t want to look at photos for big events, but firsthand feedback is great. TripAdvisor’s forums and AskMetafilter  are good if you don’t know anyone to ask.
69. Remember that other people are paying WAY less attention to what you’re doing or not doing than you are.
70. Wear dark colors, blend into the crowd, and bring a log dressed like you and a smoke bomb if you need to make a getaway.
71. OK, don’t do that. Instead, remember that there’s no right or wrong way* to be at an event–you don’t have to see the Masquerade or attend Opening Ceremonies or get the author’s signature or be at karaoke till 3 AM in order to have a good time. Find what makes an event still good for you.

* Fine, fine: harassing others or setting off the fire alarm or stealing from vendors or actually USING a smoke bomb? Definitely the wrong way to be at an event.